Intellect, Emotion, Balance...

I hate feeling this way... I hate feeling this way...

Yet life does not wait for you to feel better, emotionally or physically.   I will continue to mend the emptiness and hopelessness that I have always worked and reworked for years.  These sinking feelings that come and go just like the various phases of the moon and the sunrise and sunset.

Not entirely sure why, but I haven't had a lot of positive things happen lately, though I am thankful that I at least found a 2nd part-time job, even if the position is equivalent to "store-bitch."  The only people with potentially worse jobs would be those in the stock department or strictly cashier.  My first day probably felt a bit cruddy because I spent the entire time pushing carts on Good Friday for 8 hours in the rain with tons of cars and customers around.  It wouldn't have been so bad if the traffic was gone or the rain was gone.  IN the last hour or two of the shift, my shoes finally got to the point where they couldn't keep the rain out, and my feet were water-logged.

It didn't help that after the shift my friend who also works at Wal*Mart had a breakdown due to financial problems with her fiance and roommate troubles.

Tonight my boyfriend briefly mentioned via text that he has friends over.  The only reason it bothers me is because he never has friends over... and never mentioned any friends to me throughout our whole relationship with the exception of some co-workers he sometimes hangs out with.  He always calls me every night though, so maybe I'll see what's up.  I will try to be as supportive as possible, even though I'm hurt that he didn't bother mentioning any of this to me prior to tonight.  I want him to have a social life, but he doesn't need to keep it on the DL.

I have reasons for fearing secretive behavior, some of you (if you're reading this) probably know why.  Also, it always perks an ear when something out of the ordinary happens, especially if there was no expectation of it.

My hope is that either 1.) This happened out of the blue and unexpectedly for him, 2.)  These are also co-workers that he did not know were furries, or 3.)  He didn't want to bother me.

As my other friends grow excited for the coming of summer, I find myself that my summer is probably going to be a lot like my winter, minus snow, and plus a 2nd job.

The one other strain of good news is that we may finally have found a third roommate.  He goes by Nico (but once I find out his real name I will probably just call him that), and we did get the chance to spend time with him on Thursday.  We sent him home with an application, guarantor form, and a voided lease copy.  The plan is that he's going to fill them out and go into the leasing office on Tuesday with Blake and myself to get it all turned in.  Once he's accepted, he'll probably sign the lease for August this year.  (He would like to move in sooner, but he'd have to take over Randy's lease, and he also would have to find a job here.  While it's not impossible, it's definitely an inhibitor to moving in early.)

In lighter news, I did some cleaning today.  Organized half of the Dining room and put the grill and its supplies on a shelf that was meant for an entertainment center.  (But both roommates who were going to use it for that are moved out. :P )  I also did my laundry as well.  I took the patio chairs inside and cleaned off most of the water-drenched charcoal brickettes, through them away with the bag.  Now the rain will hopefully get rid of the big black spot.

I made a run-in with someone a day or two ago online.  He was a friend of one of my roommate's online, so I decided to befriend him myself.  It only took an hour or so of just some random IMs that I got a bad vibe from it.

Tonight he remembered who I was, or at least remembered the knew me before, so played a game to try and get me to figure out who he was.

Let's just say that the first time we met, it didn't take more than a day or two for us to start arguing about "standards" in men, and thus, he severed connection with me then.

I'm not sure what he's going to do now, and when I asked him about whether or not we should even be friends, he screwed around again instead of took it seriously.  I'm thinking about blocking him myself just so I can attempt to forget about it.

My life just feels empty lately, and quite pointless, too.

I actually envy that guy... he admitted to being materialistic, shallow, and only cared about his own interests.  From the sounds of it, he at least has his life together, then again, it's easy to sound like you've got it all when you're a first class asshole.

Even if I did have whatever it is he had, it wouldn't solve anything for me.  But it's types like him that make me fear being in shape and more good looking, even though I want to look good and be in shape.  He's a hunter for "ideal" guys, which would explain why he was friends with my roommate.  He just got out of the military and will be going to school soon.  (good body, lots of money, and college, 3 things that this guy was looking for).

There are nights where I really get lonely and sad like tonight... just reminders of what little I have done with it so far, and how much I've failed.  Then this arse shows up to rub it in, though he didn't even realize he was doing just that.  Do you ever wish that you would die in your sleep, or wake up and find it was all a dream and really your life is a lot better, or maybe you were someone else?

The way I talk it sounds like I need counseling, but counseling won't "fix" my life.  Neither will drugs.  Drugs won't make me un-suspended, counseling won't make me have a better job and more money, and neither will make me beautiful.  They won't stop me from being jealous, or un-motivated.

I see how much the rest of the world suffers in online news and video documentaries, and then I wonder, are we really doing OK as the leading lifeforms of this planet?  Why is there so much suffering, suffering that could easily be stopped if humanity really wanted to?

I pray that if I ever get out of this, and actually become affluent, that I remember the feeling of hopelessness, and remember that there are millions of people out there of all races, languages, ages, and walks of life that could really use help.  And I pray it forever will keep me humble in my own self-worth, and I never EVER start viewing myself as above them.  The only reason I am above them at all is the luck of where and to whom I was born, and thus have more survival resources.   I do not deserve what I have anymore than anyone else would.

The richest celebrity, highest paid CEO, most powerful politician, the most ill of all people, the people with no money and lots of debt, the one who cannot hear or see or speak, the failure in school, the valedictorian, the most overweight, the most fit...

We're all the same in the end, and we don't deserve anything we have.  We are simply lucky or unlucky to have what we do, even if we "worked" for it, or "did the crime."

Not that I'm going to off myself or anything, though the thought has come to mind many times these past couple weeks.

Just wish I knew why I am so fail, y'know?

Like, what's so wrong with me that it has made most of 2011 feel like a waste of time already?

It must seem like I get depressed easily over things?  XD  Well, sometimes it's not far from the truth, but I do have happy times as well, I just tend not to use LiveJournal unless I'm feeling down.

Lately life's been seeming worrisome and pointless in some ways.  I'm trying to get out of academic probation again, but there's a chance I will be suspended next semester anyways...

Sometimes I wish I had never switched majors or my school... sometimes I just wish I hadn't started college at all, or that something would conveniently happy to make all of this college-stuff go away.  I know my bad grades are my fault, and it's why I can't hide from any of the failure.

I recently called myself Fail-Cat.  I got told I wasn't fail, but that's a lie.  I've failed at least 1 class for the past 3 semesters of college, and the previous 2 before this one I failed nearly everything, but the last semester was because I simply stopped showing up for classes altogether out of frustration.  If only I was skinny and sexy... I probably would have given myself over to some lonely older-guy.  Or if I had been able to find a second job over the summer like I tried to, but it never happened.

I'm holding back a lot of failure in my life, and sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and that the next day it would all disappear.  If I do get suspended, I think I'm just going to take it, even if it means moving back to my parent's house, or spending my every breath looking for a second job here in Mankato.   I'm tired of pretending like my failure didn't happen.  The sad part is the last year or two of my life hasn't just been failure with school, but I had a pretty crappy relationship, too.  I was in 3 car accidents, and I nearly lost my only job.  The roommate I picked out in my first apartment screwed me over quite a bit, too.

I feared driving, and the 3 car accidents are why.  I feared what it would be like to be dating, and my first real boyfriend was why.  I feared fucking up in college badly (despite my Dad saying I would do fine).  I know I'm not powerless, but I can't seem to find the motivation for my life to change.

There are two majorly fortunate things in my life right now... my parents still support me and haven't cut me off, and I am dating a really wonderful guy right now.  If one of them were to disappear, my life would be pretty worthless.  Thank goodness, that despite failing so much in school, this semester my performance improved, but I still failed at least 1 class, and possibly 2.  (I was taking 5.)

Maybe I should work out and stop eating so I get really sexy, and then see if the porn industry would take me.  (XD, as if that would ever happen.)

I'm feeling a bit better having gotten all this out, I had to force myself to start typing it.  Now I think I'm going to go to bed, and just sleep on it.  My life may be fail... but there are lots of people who, for some strange reason, love me and want me alive and well, and to be with them.  So I can't give up yet.

Si voy e aprender y usar espaňol por este semestre en serio, necesito actualmente usar la idioma.

Asi... que hablar sobre? (Yes, I know I needed a subjunctive conjugation there.) Pues, hoy me registré por dieciocho creditos. Espero que puedo manejar ellos...

Ok, this is getting a little pathetic, and Open Office cannot make keyboard shortcuts for special characters, nor does it have the tilde symbol. XD I promise I'll make a better attempt once I have my Spanish-English dictionary and Verb Conjugation Chart in front me.

My next college semester... scary that I even decided to go back.  But for right now, it's the most stable decision I can make.  I won't suddenly have my life thrown around a lightning rod like a horseshoe made out of copper coils.

I won't post my exact plans just yet, but should everything go smoothly, hopefully I can pull something off this semester.  I will say part of the plan though... I am attempting to revive my Spanish.

Which means that I will eventually need to make Spanish posts, well, not "need" so much as, it would be beneficial.  Actually... maybe I'll just start that right now...

This month being August, I mean.  New place, new rent, new roommates, moving all of my belongings twice, living with Landis and Bryan, as well as Bryan, my future roomie, for 10 days in between moving.  Revealing to my parents what my plans are, still looking for a 2nd job, spending a weekend with tons of family.

Kitty feels a bit weary, but at least work is giving me more hours (31 this week), so I can have a little extra dough.  If I could keep 30 hours a week at Godfather's, that would be plenty of money for rent and utilities, though 40 would make me feel a whole lot better.  (Also, I could actually save more money that way, too.)  The only two jobs I've had interviews for told me that they don't need me, and I've received complete silence from everywhere else.

As far as the world of men goes with me right now, I can only say it's made me wearier than before.  Met several guys, a couple things seemed to be going well with, but then it ended up being slapped back in my face in some way.  (One of which only took 5 weeks after meeting me to find his "soul-mate" in some other random person.)  There's another guy I'm sort of "with" I suppose right now (too much to talk about here), but I have no clue where that's going to go, either, and I keep getting closer to just not giving a sh!t about it anymore.  

This year just seems to have been... well, I'm holding on to what little I have left of value.  My family, some friends, my job.  It seems several times a week I'm confronted with holding onto my sanity as hard as I can for fear that it will escape.  I've jokingly thought to myself that if for some reason I didn't wake up after falling asleep at night, I would understand and not be angry.  Maybe for once I could stop worrying about everything and wondering if I measure up good enough in other people's eyes and by society's standards!

At least when I wash my hair and let it air dry, it looks rather nice, despite the fact that it looks thinner than it used to be.  It's unfortunate really, something I always loved may already be leaving me, too.  And it's not even a lover, it's just my hair.  God couldn't even let me keep that. :P  Speaking of hair, my own mother decided to dye her hair for my cousin James so she could "impress" him, but she couldn't care for 3 seconds about what I think about her hair.  (She dyed it to cover grays.)  Well, whatever, it's her choice.

Last night I watched the Rogers and Hammersteins Cinderella as presented by Disney.  (The one with Brandy as Cinderella.)  I've found myself singing several of the songs throughout the day, today.  Perhaps it's just a sign that I'm longing for better things like Cinderella, though I don't compare myself to her or the situations.

It's about time for me to go, that certain "someone" will be calling soon wanting my attention and affection, and since he's the closest thing I've got to a boyfriend in my life, I might as well give it to him.  See ya'all.

It just seems like this year is going to continue presenting me with struggle... I can't seem to make any decisions correctly, and it always bites my ass later.

If anyone knows a cure for mindless stupidity, or knows of a place I can go where money, contracts, school, work, and contracts don't exist, please, for the love of this world, let me know.

Actually, this is more about the world's most expensive city to live in. 

The way this is determined is that a list of "128" common goods world wide are judged based on the average price of which you can purchase them within each city.  (Think clothes, household appliances, food, movie tickets, et cetera.)

I found this to be interesting, but it came as no surprise, either.

The current most expensive city in the world is Tokyo, Japan... BUT!  It does not stop there.

Within the top ten, the 4th, 5th, and 7th most expensive cities in the world to live in are Nagoya, Yokohama, and Kobe, in that order.  All of these cities are in Japan as well

The only other countries to have more than 1 city in the top 10 list were Norway and Switzerland, each only had 2.

The conclusion of this finding?  Japan is f*cking expensive.

(PS:  Read the story here! http://finance.yahoo.com/family-home/article/109909/the-worlds-most-expensive-cities-2010 )

My current job is giving me about 30 hours a week, which makes my biweekly paychecks approximately $300 and some extra.   This totals my currently monthly income to just over $600, which is enough for me to take care of pretty much all of my own expenses this fall.  If I use a bike to get to work, then I won't have to worry much at all about car maintenance or gas, thus saving more money each month, AND getting me in better shape.  :D  Of course, I will continue to look for a second job, or find a job that will offer me full-time work and a higher wage per hour. 

As for going back to school at all, that's really something I'm unsure of.  Technically, I have 1 more semester to get off of academic probation, but that semester doesn't start until I actually take classes.  (Which means taking summer courses would have been a bad idea anyways.)  However, the only real way I could make use of that semester is if I managed to finish it with all 4-5 classes ending in A's and maybe a couple of B's.   The reason for this is that if the college board sees that I am making really good progress, they will grant me more time to get off of probation (I'll need more than 1 semester), and the other reason is for GPA purposes.  If I would hope to graduate with a decent GPA, I'd need to get very good marks in all of my classes.

Right now, however, I feel it's more important that I get on my own two feet, no matter how humble of a life I will be forced to live because of it.  My parents really don't have any idea what's going on, though my mother has a slight taste of it.  I've pretty much left everyone in the dark about it aside from friends.  My folks will be really disappointed if education has no place in my near future.

Every once in awhile I look back at my life, and wonder why the hell I haven't done more with it.  Why I couldn't be bothered, why I wasn't motivated.  It seems that little marker of motivation is the one thing I lack the most in life.  Why don't I have that spark?  Why do I get bored and tire of things that require energy and determination after awhile?  Why is it that I can go into something with high hopes and make big promises to myself that I'll rock it out and do well, only to find that I'm sub-par by the end of it, if I hadn't already given up on it?

Is this what depression is?  Is there something wrong with me?  I've noticed this trend in my life in many aspects.  If there was any 1 thing I could change about myself or make different... I would want to be more motivated, and to have that spark and desire to work towards accomplishing goals.

I always say I'm going to work on getting more sleep, but look at me, I'm still up at 6:40am and I have work at 9am.  Not to mention I promised myself I was going to finish cleaning my room and packing my car, too.

I guess I'll go try to finish those things, wish me luck!  XD

...you find out he was lying to you even during the discussion leading to the break-up.

I was initially thinking about making this journal post a sad one... but the more I think about it, the more I'm glad we're not together now, even if I do miss him.

If he couldn't even afford me complete honesty when we were breaking up, what kind of a relationship could I have ever hoped to have with him?

Chris... or as he is also known, "Qba..." you played sweet, you played caring, maybe you even were these things most of the time.  You were always generous with money...

...but you couldn't even give me the one thing I wanted most in the end.  Honesty.  You may have tried to entertain my friend and myself, bought us pizza, and tried putting in a movie or something for us to watch, but it was only because you were afraid to admit that you had done something wrong.  What's worse is that instead of just admitting it, you only compounded it by trying to lie about it to make yourself look better.  It was painfully obvious you didn't want to have the confrontation, when we got to your house, you avoided us like the plague and went downstairs to work on whatever, you talked about your day, and even asked for my advice about something irrelevant.

If this is how you handle difficult situations, I'm glad I'm not with you anymore.  As I always said... I want to be with a man who has a backbone, who isn't a victim of his own existence.  I can understand hardship, financial trouble, and difficulty seeing eye to eye.  I just can't understand acting like the world is out to get you.

Thank you for leaving me, and thank you for letting me be.