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Say My Name

March 2013



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19th Mar, 2013

Say My Name

At Risk for Not Graduating

I've crunched the numbers with realistic expectations for grade achievements based on past grades.  Right now, with some good work and good luck, the best I can probably hope for in my Latin American History class is a D, or earning around 66% of all the possible points.  This doesn't include potential future assignments that are not listed on the grading-page, however this grade does account for all grading categories.  While it will be good to pass, the Academic Bulletin specifically has stated for the past 3 years that a grade of 70% or better is required in all courses for the major or minor.  This means that this ONE class, if I don't manage to get a 70%, could throw off my graduation, and thus the soonest I could hope for it would be at the end of the summer, if the University will accept a VERY last minute application for graduation, since the expected graduation date will change.  Also, this depends on whether or not this course is even offered in the Summer, whether it be abroad or at MSU.  (Right now, it's not offered at all over the summers terms.)

The reason I imagine that I will only pass with around a D is because 50% of all the points in the class are from tests.  The other 50% comes from random homework checks, quizzes, one presentation, and a participation grade to be decided at the end of the course.  In terms of the tests, my last two grades were an F+ and a D-.  In order to bring my testing grade average up to a C-, I'd have to get at least an 81% on both of the remaining quarter tests with a 70% on the final test, which may end up being cumulative.  What makes me saddest, is I was present for both of the Exam Preparation Days and tried copying all of her notes she wrote down, especially for the 2nd test.  Her notes are horrible though... she abbreviates everything, sometimes down to single letters, she writes incredibly small, and I can barely read what she writes, even with my glasses on and sitting very close.  She also stands in front of her notes while she's talking about them.

The biggest scare hit me today when we finally got our last test back.  I was so sure I got a C on it, and at the very least a D.  I know I did better than my first test, which I only got a 60% on.  When she handed back my last test, I only got a 58%; worse than before.  The person sitting next to me did only a bit better at a 63%, and I heard other people complaining about lower grades, too.  I was warned that this professor was really difficult, but I didn't imagine she would be THIS difficult.  Her class set-up and my lack of adaptation to it could force me out of graduation.

The withdraw date for classes is April 17th up until 11:59pm.  (Basically I can withdraw all day until the 18th).  That gives me about 28 days to figure out my course and see if I can turn the grades around.  If I can't, then I guess I'll just have to withdraw.  Of all the issues I've been encountering lately... this one really bites, to be melodramatic.  It hurts quite a bit, though, because I can't really talk to anyone about it, at least not in detail.  If I talk with my parents or boyfriend about it, they're going to get super worried, angry, sad, et cetera.  Yet, it won't do me a whole lot of good to speak with them about it, as they cannot help me.  They all live very far away, and none of them speak Spanish.  I cannot talk to my roommates, well, let's just say there's a mutual disrespect going on.  I don't trust them, and it's not like they would have helped me anyways.  There is always the option of trying to get a tutor or speaking to the professor, but if I'm going to go out of my way to do that, I might as well just spend more time studying on my own.

One thing is for certain, if I stay in the class and get to fill out the professor's class evaluation form... she's getting a lousy review.  She blasts through her power-point notes way too fast for us to write down what she wrote, her test review sessions are extremely difficult to follow, and we meet 4 days a week, and essentially for homework (though she doesn't always grade it) she wants us to write a paper every day.  This is NOT how you teach a history class and get students to memorize facts, names, and information.  We go through 30-40 pages of our book a week... she either needs to slow down, make notes available online, or ease up on her grading.

In any case... I'm done with ranting and talking about this.  It's emotionally draining.  I actually dropped out of the Choir I was in just because I wanted to make it easier to focus on her class, and I've considered withdrawing from an extra class I'm taking sort of "just for fun" this semester.  I don't attend much with the LGBT Center anymore, and I'm considering leaving Spanish Club, too.

I just hope so very much that I graduate and can move on with my life.

26th Jan, 2013

Say My Name

I'm "stuck" in the clubhouse and tired.

I can't wait to go home, but I'm going to stay here a little longer for personal reasons.  Just not ready to go home yet... also, I just realized that my GWAM seems to be pretty high as of late.  If I listen to myself type on a legitimate keyboard with a desktop computer as opposed to a laptop computer, I make fairly constant and consistant keystrokes as I type.  It's kind of cool to listen to. ^_^  It makes me feel like I'm a secretary or busy-body of some kind.  My mind has a hard time keeping up with my typing, as I tend to process thoughts and what I want to say more slowly.

What I've been doing is checking e-mails and things since the computers here suck.  I also started tracking some of the comment history of my boyfriend on F.A., sort of trying to get a feel for what he was like before, see if he crushed on anyone openly.  I'm a little jealous of the attention he used to pay to some of his favorite people (and probably crushes/boyfriends).  However, there's probably some explanation for why I'm not getting that same treatment on F.A. that he used to give to others.

1)  We've been dating for over 2 years, and he mostly uses F.A. to look at art, not to socialize.
2)  We talk on the phone at least once a day, and also exchange occassional text messages via our phones.
3)  He works a minimum of 40 hours a week with some commute and an hour lunch, so he's out of his house for about 10 hours a day.  This doesn't include time he spends working out, going to do laundry or to the grocery store, or the occassional party or social gathering he attends with his co-workers.
4)  He likes to play videogames sometime, console-based ones.  Most people can't browse the internet at the same time they are playing action, adventure, or sports games.
5)  Matthew and I have a rather mature relationship that runs deeper than sex, gaming, and furry-culture.

There's a very good chance that this will be the year, that for the first time, Danforth/Kitty/Indigo moves in with his romantic interest.  We've been going steady and exclusive for about 2.33 years.  We've talked of marriage, our first home, moving in together, finding a home in a place we both like, and all kinds of things like that a lot.  If all goes well, I will be moving in with Matthew on the 10th of August, 2013, or maybe even a bit earlier.  We shall see what happens.

16th Jan, 2013

Say My Name

Life is going well, at least outside of my home.

All my clubs are going great, classes aren't too hard so far, and choir is a lot of fun.  We're even performing in Chicago in February!  I'm also attending MBLGTACC 2013 in Wisconsin in February, too.  I'm also going to see Celtic Woman perform live in Minneapolis and go to my first Anime Convention in April.  I've reconnected with lots of friends from last year, lots of like-minded people, even work is going pretty well these days, and my manager is being more flexible with time-off requests.  Oh yeah, and I'm graduating this year. :P

It's so surreal... while everything else seems to be going great... my home-life is still quite tense.  I so desperately wish that my roommates and I could get past the major obstacle that happened.  However, through their actions and what was said to me... I don't think I can be their friend anymore, and they've shown me it does not matter to them in the slightest.  Even after I've made concessions to them, allowing Nico's boyfriend to stay for now, and saying that Landis could come over 1-night a week, Sunday, for D&D, but then had to leave... they still ignored me.  It could be argued that the damage from this situation is too great.  They acted indignant towards me and my feelings, and I know what I did was right, and what I wanted was not "too much" or "out-of-line."  They proved that their loyalty to Landis is far greater than their loyalty to me.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though.  Landis is pretty much their ONLY friend in Mankato, at least that's how it appears to me.

I wasn't even telling them not to be his friend.  I just told them not to bring him to this town-home anymore.  They did it anyway repeatedly, night after night, despite me telling them not to several times.  I even received an e-mail from one of them that said he would not allow Landis or anyone to be banished from our house.  Thus, forcing me to cope with Landis.  He also said, "You can ban Landis from your bedroom," essentially telling me that if I don't like Landis, I should just stay in my room.  If that doesn't spell, "We don't care about your feelings or friendship," I don't know what does... even if they didn't mean it that way, actions speak louder than words, as the saying goes.

Tig's boyfriend told me that at this point, I'm in the right to call the police if I don't want Landis around, because I've made it crystal clear that I don't want him here, and I have reason enough to want him out.  He is trespassing.  However... I'm not willing to take this situation that far.  I've got too much to do, to worry about, prepare for, and to look forward to for me to waste time embarrassing myself in front of the police and potentially getting into a fight with my roommates because I forcefully removed their friend.  If it's at the point where I have to use the police to get my roommates to respect my feelings... there's something terribly wrong here.

So, I've just decided to take matters into my own hands.  As far as I'm concerned, unless something changes and they apologize, they are no longer friends of mine, or people I care to associate with.  Eventually, all of my furniture that doesn't fit into my bedroom will be removed from the town-home.  It includes 4 dining chairs, a hide-a-bed couch, a loveseat, a recliner, two armchairs, a desk, and an entertainment center/stand.  I'll also be removing all of my dishes, plates, utensils, and storage containers from the kitchen.   For good measure, I may even take back my shower curtain.  Since I'm pretty much stuck in my room anyways, there's no reason for me to keep the rest of the house furnished.  If my roommates want furniture, they can buy it or bring it themselves.

Even if I stay in Mankato for graduate school, I will not be living with these people again.

(Any feedback from those who read this is appreciated.)

6th Jan, 2013


He is gone, but his legacy remains... just as I feared.

Angry roommates, tense relationships.  We haven't even seen or spoken to each other in days now, despite living in the same house.  And now, one of them is lying, saying that I was aware of the whole situation and well-informed that Landis was moving in.  I don't even park my car near my apartment anymore.  I don't want to have to deal with Car Wars where we argue about who has to move whose car, plus, I keep being paranoid that someone might damage it if they see it.  I lock my bedroom every time I leave the house out of fear, too.

I was hoping to be at peace for the last week before classes start again.  I guess I won't be getting that.  -_-

At least I got Landis out of the way and pissed off my roommates now, rather than after classes started.  Maybe things will smooth over in time to where we can at least be in the same room without tension or awkwardness.  I don't expect we will be friends anymore, however.  I know, Eldyran, you said that my roommates didn't hate me and I shouldn't be so worried about it.  Well, doing the right thing has changed that.  They are more than likely horrified with me right now.  I guess I'll just have to get used to a frigid atmosphere around this place.

Thankfully, I will be very busy this semester.  Working weekends and couple evenings a week, going to class, Jazz Choir, Spanish Club, Team MSQ, Mankato Atheist/Agnostic Secular Students (MASS) and also working to get rid of large portions of my furniture, most likely by donating it to MRCI.  I won't be needing most of it come this Fall.  I will probably be moving in with my boyfriend of 2-years at the end of August.  If I have to move to Chicago (he lives nearby it) to be with him if he cannot find a job in Minnesota, then the less furniture I have to pack, the easier the move will be.  I'm even starting to think living in Minnesota isn't the best idea anymore.  The Winters are cold and harsh, too many memories, not much job opportunity (even though I'm employed), and my boyfriend is pretty well established in Chicago.  He's making a decent amount of money at his current job.  Unless he can find a better paying one here, it'd be foolish to ask him to leave.  My older sister already said that if I move to a major city, she and her husband would gladly take an airplane to come visit us now and then, as they live in Sioux Falls, which is one of the very few places in South Dakota that has a commercial airport.  Though almost all of my major family lives in Minnesota and Eastern South Dakota... it might be time to say goodbye, as hard as it is to do.  If Rose Nylund can move to Miami, Florida after spending her entire life of 50-60 years in Minnesota, I can make a good life for myself in Chicago.

Hopefully, I won't have to move out prematurely.  If things get icky here, though, I'll look into taking over a sub-lease elsewhere.  My parents have been very supportive in all of this, and they've even offered me money and help should the occasion arise that my roommates become too unbearable.  My mother keeps badgering me to ask management if there is an open-space in another unit they'll let me occupy so I don't have to break my lease or sublet.  I'm beginning to wonder if maybe living with strangers would be easier than living here... even if it means I have to be in the closet and not have anything in common with the people I live with.  Though, quite frankly, some people argue that my closet door is made out of transparent glass.

One other option, though a bit expensive, could be to move into the dorms for a final semester.  I think it may be too late to sign up, but if I got a solo-room again, it'd make my final semester a piece of cake, and cut my walking distance to campus down to almost nothing.  I would consider subletting to Landis (since the roommates I currently live with think he's some kind of savant), but since Landis has absolutely no money and is in debt, I would just end up getting in trouble.

I'll just have to hope things smooth out over here.  I have one last thing I have to say to my roommates before I can go completely silent to them, and that's my "disclaimer e-mail" which states bluntly that I'm barring Landis from ever setting foot in this town-home again and explains why, and that I will not permit anyone to live here off-lease, regardless of who it might be.  This seems to be the general "complaint" of the roommates, that I never told them "no" before to these things, hence why I'm sending the e-mail to them soon.  I'll have some people review it before I send it, of course.

4th Jan, 2013


The Landis Saga continues... but may finally be over.

My roommates decided to move in Landis while I was away on my 2-week vacation for the holidays.   My roommates ALSO decided not to say anything to me about it while I was gone.  When I got back, they still did not tell me anything from yesterday to tonight.  I had to ask one of them what was going on.  Upon telling Jenea about it (my friend from work, and his ex-roommate and ex-fiance), she asked to come over so she could get some of her things back from him that he hadn't returned.  I said yes.

When she came over, she confronted Landis about them, and they argued a bit, Jenea yelled at him, too.  She got her lap-top back, and a signed statement saying he'd either pay for her I-pad or return to it her by a certain date.  Jenea told Landis not to yell or threaten me because I could have him evicted at any time.  Then Landis threatened me that I could "get myself evicted" because if I reported Landis, I would get in trouble, too.  However, Jenea mentioned that I already talked to management.  Specifically, I asked them what happens if a tenant reports a squatter in their unit.  I was told that the squatter is given 25 (I think she meant 24) hours to vacate the premises, and depending on the situation, management may charge a fine to the tenant that took in the squatter as a guest.  I told this to everyone in the room, with the exception of Nico, who was in his bedroom.

I went to Wal-mart with Jenea to chat awhile and do some shopping and make some phone calls.  I was ready to tell the leasing-office's management about Landis by 8am today (Friday morning) and have him evicted, even if that meant that one of my roommate's would receive a hefty fine.  Friends don't go behind friends' backs and move in a squatter without their knowledge or consent, especially in a place they don't own where they could receive huge fines, especially if the squatter drinks too much, has a history of sexual abuse, has threatened violence to others, is in debt with no money, and has had his license suspended in the past.

Thankfully, I don't think it will have to come to that, because when I got back home, Landis, and most of his stuff, was gone.

I don't know what conversations between my roommates, his boyfriend, and him took place while I was gone for those few hours... maybe Landis left voluntarily because he didn't want my roommates to get stuck with a huge fine.  Maybe my roommates told him to leave because they didn't want to get stuck with that fine and they realized they made a big mistake.   Possibly still... maybe my roommates felt bad about going behind my back to move Landis in, and told him to leave.  Or... maybe they all jointly decided that I am a horrible, evil, selfish person, and that's why Landis left. 

Regardless, I'm glad to have him out.  If my roommates think I'm a bad person for it, then that's their problem.  They betrayed my trust, and proved that they are more loyal to Landis than they are to me, at least until they realized they were going to get in trouble for doing something stupid.  And I will say it again.  It wasn't chivalrous, it wasn't caring, and it wasn't "the right thing to do."  It was flat-out, down-right, completely, indubitably, undoubtedly, 100% stupid.

If you're going to do something illegal, make sure everyone who knows or will know won't rat you out.    

PS:  I know you're reading this, Eldyran.  What do you think of it all?
PSS:  Yote, or Bryan, really despised Landis, too, long before I did.

26th Jun, 2011

Say My Name

(no subject)

I hate feeling this way... I hate feeling this way...

Yet life does not wait for you to feel better, emotionally or physically.   I will continue to mend the emptiness and hopelessness that I have always worked and reworked for years.  These sinking feelings that come and go just like the various phases of the moon and the sunrise and sunset.

23rd Apr, 2011


Feelin' a little crappy.

Not entirely sure why, but I haven't had a lot of positive things happen lately, though I am thankful that I at least found a 2nd part-time job, even if the position is equivalent to "store-bitch."  The only people with potentially worse jobs would be those in the stock department or strictly cashier.  My first day probably felt a bit cruddy because I spent the entire time pushing carts on Good Friday for 8 hours in the rain with tons of cars and customers around.  It wouldn't have been so bad if the traffic was gone or the rain was gone.  IN the last hour or two of the shift, my shoes finally got to the point where they couldn't keep the rain out, and my feet were water-logged.

It didn't help that after the shift my friend who also works at Wal*Mart had a breakdown due to financial problems with her fiance and roommate troubles.

Tonight my boyfriend briefly mentioned via text that he has friends over.  The only reason it bothers me is because he never has friends over... and never mentioned any friends to me throughout our whole relationship with the exception of some co-workers he sometimes hangs out with.  He always calls me every night though, so maybe I'll see what's up.  I will try to be as supportive as possible, even though I'm hurt that he didn't bother mentioning any of this to me prior to tonight.  I want him to have a social life, but he doesn't need to keep it on the DL.

I have reasons for fearing secretive behavior, some of you (if you're reading this) probably know why.  Also, it always perks an ear when something out of the ordinary happens, especially if there was no expectation of it.

My hope is that either 1.) This happened out of the blue and unexpectedly for him, 2.)  These are also co-workers that he did not know were furries, or 3.)  He didn't want to bother me.

As my other friends grow excited for the coming of summer, I find myself that my summer is probably going to be a lot like my winter, minus snow, and plus a 2nd job.

The one other strain of good news is that we may finally have found a third roommate.  He goes by Nico (but once I find out his real name I will probably just call him that), and we did get the chance to spend time with him on Thursday.  We sent him home with an application, guarantor form, and a voided lease copy.  The plan is that he's going to fill them out and go into the leasing office on Tuesday with Blake and myself to get it all turned in.  Once he's accepted, he'll probably sign the lease for August this year.  (He would like to move in sooner, but he'd have to take over Randy's lease, and he also would have to find a job here.  While it's not impossible, it's definitely an inhibitor to moving in early.)

In lighter news, I did some cleaning today.  Organized half of the Dining room and put the grill and its supplies on a shelf that was meant for an entertainment center.  (But both roommates who were going to use it for that are moved out. :P )  I also did my laundry as well.  I took the patio chairs inside and cleaned off most of the water-drenched charcoal brickettes, through them away with the bag.  Now the rain will hopefully get rid of the big black spot.

21st Jan, 2011


(no subject)

I made a run-in with someone a day or two ago online.  He was a friend of one of my roommate's online, so I decided to befriend him myself.  It only took an hour or so of just some random IMs that I got a bad vibe from it.

Tonight he remembered who I was, or at least remembered the knew me before, so played a game to try and get me to figure out who he was.

Let's just say that the first time we met, it didn't take more than a day or two for us to start arguing about "standards" in men, and thus, he severed connection with me then.

I'm not sure what he's going to do now, and when I asked him about whether or not we should even be friends, he screwed around again instead of took it seriously.  I'm thinking about blocking him myself just so I can attempt to forget about it.

My life just feels empty lately, and quite pointless, too.

I actually envy that guy... he admitted to being materialistic, shallow, and only cared about his own interests.  From the sounds of it, he at least has his life together, then again, it's easy to sound like you've got it all when you're a first class asshole.

Even if I did have whatever it is he had, it wouldn't solve anything for me.  But it's types like him that make me fear being in shape and more good looking, even though I want to look good and be in shape.  He's a hunter for "ideal" guys, which would explain why he was friends with my roommate.  He just got out of the military and will be going to school soon.  (good body, lots of money, and college, 3 things that this guy was looking for).

There are nights where I really get lonely and sad like tonight... just reminders of what little I have done with it so far, and how much I've failed.  Then this arse shows up to rub it in, though he didn't even realize he was doing just that.  Do you ever wish that you would die in your sleep, or wake up and find it was all a dream and really your life is a lot better, or maybe you were someone else?

The way I talk it sounds like I need counseling, but counseling won't "fix" my life.  Neither will drugs.  Drugs won't make me un-suspended, counseling won't make me have a better job and more money, and neither will make me beautiful.  They won't stop me from being jealous, or un-motivated.

I see how much the rest of the world suffers in online news and video documentaries, and then I wonder, are we really doing OK as the leading lifeforms of this planet?  Why is there so much suffering, suffering that could easily be stopped if humanity really wanted to?

I pray that if I ever get out of this, and actually become affluent, that I remember the feeling of hopelessness, and remember that there are millions of people out there of all races, languages, ages, and walks of life that could really use help.  And I pray it forever will keep me humble in my own self-worth, and I never EVER start viewing myself as above them.  The only reason I am above them at all is the luck of where and to whom I was born, and thus have more survival resources.   I do not deserve what I have anymore than anyone else would.

The richest celebrity, highest paid CEO, most powerful politician, the most ill of all people, the people with no money and lots of debt, the one who cannot hear or see or speak, the failure in school, the valedictorian, the most overweight, the most fit...

We're all the same in the end, and we don't deserve anything we have.  We are simply lucky or unlucky to have what we do, even if we "worked" for it, or "did the crime."

16th Jan, 2011

Work for Life

I feel completely useless to this world.

Not that I'm going to off myself or anything, though the thought has come to mind many times these past couple weeks.

Just wish I knew why I am so fail, y'know?

Like, what's so wrong with me that it has made most of 2011 feel like a waste of time already?

9th Dec, 2010

Say My Name

Back again for a relief post.

It must seem like I get depressed easily over things?  XD  Well, sometimes it's not far from the truth, but I do have happy times as well, I just tend not to use LiveJournal unless I'm feeling down.

Lately life's been seeming worrisome and pointless in some ways.  I'm trying to get out of academic probation again, but there's a chance I will be suspended next semester anyways...

Sometimes I wish I had never switched majors or my school... sometimes I just wish I hadn't started college at all, or that something would conveniently happy to make all of this college-stuff go away.  I know my bad grades are my fault, and it's why I can't hide from any of the failure.

I recently called myself Fail-Cat.  I got told I wasn't fail, but that's a lie.  I've failed at least 1 class for the past 3 semesters of college, and the previous 2 before this one I failed nearly everything, but the last semester was because I simply stopped showing up for classes altogether out of frustration.  If only I was skinny and sexy... I probably would have given myself over to some lonely older-guy.  Or if I had been able to find a second job over the summer like I tried to, but it never happened.

I'm holding back a lot of failure in my life, and sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and that the next day it would all disappear.  If I do get suspended, I think I'm just going to take it, even if it means moving back to my parent's house, or spending my every breath looking for a second job here in Mankato.   I'm tired of pretending like my failure didn't happen.  The sad part is the last year or two of my life hasn't just been failure with school, but I had a pretty crappy relationship, too.  I was in 3 car accidents, and I nearly lost my only job.  The roommate I picked out in my first apartment screwed me over quite a bit, too.

I feared driving, and the 3 car accidents are why.  I feared what it would be like to be dating, and my first real boyfriend was why.  I feared fucking up in college badly (despite my Dad saying I would do fine).  I know I'm not powerless, but I can't seem to find the motivation for my life to change.

There are two majorly fortunate things in my life right now... my parents still support me and haven't cut me off, and I am dating a really wonderful guy right now.  If one of them were to disappear, my life would be pretty worthless.  Thank goodness, that despite failing so much in school, this semester my performance improved, but I still failed at least 1 class, and possibly 2.  (I was taking 5.)

Maybe I should work out and stop eating so I get really sexy, and then see if the porn industry would take me.  (XD, as if that would ever happen.)

I'm feeling a bit better having gotten all this out, I had to force myself to start typing it.  Now I think I'm going to go to bed, and just sleep on it.  My life may be fail... but there are lots of people who, for some strange reason, love me and want me alive and well, and to be with them.  So I can't give up yet.

18th Aug, 2010


En Espaňol! (sort of)

Si voy e aprender y usar espaňol por este semestre en serio, necesito actualmente usar la idioma.

Asi... que hablar sobre? (Yes, I know I needed a subjunctive conjugation there.) Pues, hoy me registré por dieciocho creditos. Espero que puedo manejar ellos...

Ok, this is getting a little pathetic, and Open Office cannot make keyboard shortcuts for special characters, nor does it have the tilde symbol. XD I promise I'll make a better attempt once I have my Spanish-English dictionary and Verb Conjugation Chart in front me.

Say My Name

The next challenge draws near.

My next college semester... scary that I even decided to go back.  But for right now, it's the most stable decision I can make.  I won't suddenly have my life thrown around a lightning rod like a horseshoe made out of copper coils.

I won't post my exact plans just yet, but should everything go smoothly, hopefully I can pull something off this semester.  I will say part of the plan though... I am attempting to revive my Spanish.

Which means that I will eventually need to make Spanish posts, well, not "need" so much as, it would be beneficial.  Actually... maybe I'll just start that right now...

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